"Welcome to my first blog entry.
"If you're reading this on company time, congratulations on beating the system. If you're reading it on your own time, you really need to find a job where they pay you to do this sort of thing."
Scott Adams has finally set up a blog! Here's his mission statement: "Everything that I think about is more fascinating than the crap in your head." If you like Dilbert you'll enjoy reading the blog, so be sure to subscribe today!
I do so enjoy creative and witty eBay auctions. Thanks Lois!
"You are bidding on a mistake.
"We all make mistakes. We date the wrong people for too long. We chew gum with our mouths open. We say inappropriate things in front of grandma.
"And we buy leather pants."
Not only is the ad copy great but his Q&A answers are entertaining as well. Be sure to click "View all questions" to see them all. He even sneaks in humor in the shipping section, which I almost missed: "Seller's payment instructions:
I'm very close to the UPS Store, a box store, a Post Office, several homeless guys, an insane woman who doesn't pick up after her dog and a Sex & The City backdrop. That means I can mail quickly upon payment."
(If you're visiting this page after eBay's automatic removal of closed auctions, pop over here to the Banterist, where the ad is cross-posted. Funny stuff over there, poke around!)
An amusing depiction of Pacman's court case as seen by a court artist:
(click for full size)
This is just bizarre.
Had to laugh at this one, given my last post.
"Through his wacky cartoons which depict the most elaborate and ridiculous devices to accomplish the most mundane tasks, RUBE GOLDBERG'S "INVENTIONS" have become synonymous with any maximum effort to achieve minimal results. His ingenious drawings follow their own impeccable logic, demonstrating that the unnecessary can also be the mother of invention - often with hilarious results."
"Peter Raymond of Phoenix is our big winner this week and will receive official Layer 8 swag for his efforts."
Sweet, that's twice this year! Gonna have to go for the trifecta...
"One of the terms of the contract stated that the first-response maintenance technician had to arrive on-site in under two hours. I was somewhat concerned that the company's nearest maintenance center was at least three hours away, but I assumed they were poised to live up to the contract terms.
"Three weeks later, fish gets an urgent call from the computer room supervisor. When he arrives, there's a huge man sitting on a stool wearing bib overalls, a grease-covered cap and tall rubber boots. And between the stool and the door, the previously pristine facility is littered with twigs, manure and mud." <more>
Funny! I read Shark Tank once a week.
"We have really smart people who are always thinking up totally cool shit. We have a meeting room with a big, round, expensive table. When you hire us for marketing and consulting projects, we spend lots of time sitting around the table having meetings."
How refreshing if real consultants were this honest, eh?
"The National Hockey League, on the verge of canceling the season over a salary dispute with the player's union, announced that negotiations would end today with a 'bare-knuckle fistfight between the lawyers.'"
Be about as effective as anything else they've tried, were it true.
"Peter Raymond of Phoenix is our virtul Valentine today for his wicked words of wit and earning the top spot in the latest Weekly Caption Contest."
I won, I finally won! Woo-hoo!
"Pete Blackshaw experiences the fun of accidently leaving your IM open when you are speaking."
All it takes is once and you'll never let it happen again.
Tim Allen, comedian, had this to say about Martha Stewart:
"Boy, I feel safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. & Kobe are walking around; Osama BinLaden too, but they take the one woman in America willing to cook and clean and work in the yard and haul her ass to jail."
Def: "when a person dips a snack chip into a dip, takes a bite, and then dips again with the same bitten chip ('it's like putting your whole mouth right in the dip!!!')"
Read this and many more Seinfeld-isms at the Seinfeld Dictionary site.
"Just a day after The New York Times leaked excerpts from a confidential Red Cross report claiming that detainees at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, have undergone psychological and physical coercion "tantamount to torture," the Times has printed a second story alleging that Al Qaeda-linked terrorists in Iraq conduct interrogations 'tantamount to beheading.'"
Fake News, Real Story
"Ever have the problem of catching a ride with someone whose car doesn't have much of a back seat? At times like these, it is important to know the rules of calling shotgun. Never again will you let someone take advantage of you because you don't know the rules."
This amused me when I ran across it, as my first web site had a page with the Shotgun Rules on it. Hmm, I wonder... Well son of a gun, the site is still there! How amusing, given that I stopped paying for that account in March of 2001. Mental Note, migrate the content to this site.
From today's Shark Tank:
This insurance company's contract with a government agency has just expired, and a pilot fish fields the call from an agency bureaucrat reminding him that he needs to destroy the agency-provided software."I agreed that we would delete the software from the mainframe
computer," says fish.The reply? That's not good enough -- the software must be destroyed.
"How do you destroy software?" fish asks. But the agency guy can't give
fish specifics. "He just kept insisting that deleting the software was
not enough -- we must destroy the software!" says fish."I finally suggested that we copy the software onto a tape cartridge,
have a steamroller roll over it and send the flattened tape cartridge
to the agency."The steamroller was on site because my company was repaving the
parking lot. I suggested the idea because of my frustration with the
construction in the parking lot -- and my frustration with the
government employee who did not seem to have a clue about the nature of
software."We put the flattened cartridge, at least all the pieces worth picking
up, and the crushed tape into a padded envelop and mailed it to the
government agency, to his attention."I received a sincere thank you from the agency."
Now that's funny. I signed up for their daily newsletter a while back, so I get little tidbit stories like this every day. It's a nice mental break.
Too funny!
Click on the "I'm a Competitor" link on this page. I like it when companies have a sense of humor. Found this one because one of my neighbors works there.
That's the bumper sticker I saw on a car this morning on the way into work. I chuckled over the mental image that it provided and wished that some of the parties I'd been to in my college days had had women present that subscribed to such a policy. ;-) Then, as I pulled around the car and glanced in, expecting to see someone of college age, I almost smashed into the curb as I realized it was a gray-haired woman in her late 60's or so! I spent the rest of the drive trying to get *that* mental image out of my head. Yikes!
More cartoons on this subject here. Enjoy.
"As controversy swirls around the President George Bush's unusually complimentary remarks yesterday toward former President Bill Clinton, a White House staffer has leaked the manuscript of the speech Mr. Bush was supposed to give at the unveiling of the official portrait of Mr. Clinton."
Question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner and is running at you while screaming obscenities.
In your hand is a .357 Magnum and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
Liberal answer:
Well that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that is inspiring him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.
Conservative Answer:
B A N G ! ! !
By John Rebach, The Onion
What is it with women these days? I'm seriously at the end of my rope. I mean, you treat a woman to dinner at a fancy restaurant three towns over, and by the end of the night, she's either telling you you're the greatest thing ever or she's dumping a bouquet of flowers over your head. And as for which response you get, well, that's anybody's guess. So tell me, are all women nuts, or just the ones I cheat on my wife with?
Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm just magically attracted to headcases. Then again, how can that be when I cheat on my wife with women of all stripes? I meet them everywhere: work, the gym, coffee shops, bookstores, parties, movies, museums, restaurants, my son's daycare, and so on. Yet whether they're rich or poor, young or very young, the pattern is always the same: After we have illicit, adulterous sex a few times, they start going batshit on me.
Case in point. A few months ago, I was shopping at Circuit City for a new Palm Pilot, and I met this great-looking woman: real stylish, late 20s, great body, the works. She was an executive for a record company, so I figured she must have her shit together, right? Wrong. We go out a few times, and then she starts grilling me: "Why don't you ever take me to your house?" "Whose picture is that in your wallet?" "What do you mean you're married?" We get into a screaming match, she tells me to get the hell out of her apartment, and then she won't return my calls. I don't get it. We were two consenting adults having a great time together, then she suddenly had to go and turn into a raving lunatic!
I've been with enough women on the side to know that no matter how good the sex is, they're eventually gonna go loon-tunes. Sometimes, that takes the form of them hitting me. Other times, it's them screaming about how the relationship can't go anywhere. How wacko is that? We've only been together a few weeks (plus, I'm married), and they're looking for a commitment! Break out the straitjacket, we're going to the funny farm!
It's not like I'm dishonest with these ladies about my free-wheeling lifestyle. I usually tell them right upfront the fifth night we spend at the motel off Hwy. 18. And I'm good to them, too. I'll buy them candies and magazines, and shower them with compliments. Still, no matter how sweetly I say, "You are so much sexier than my wife," they just flip out.
Do they even realize the effort I put into these relationships? When you've got a wife and kids and job, squeezing in an hour for a mistress involves some heavy-duty schedule shuffling, but do I get points for that? Nope, just an earful of cuss words from a crazed harpy. Geez!
I'm not going to give up on other women just yet, but is it too much to ask for one that isn't completely bananas? Out of the billions of women on this planet, at least one of them has to be sane, right? There must be a woman I can casually sleep around with who won't go postal just because taking my son to hockey practice made me late for a secret rendezvous.
I know I sound totally jaded, but I'm really not. The truth is, even through all of my relationship troubles, I'm still a hopeless romantic. At the moment, I can't stop thinking about a cute little number I met at the mall last Saturday. She's gorgeous, but she really seems quiet and laid back-the kind of gal who won't lose her shit. But no matter how well things go with her, I'll remain on my guard. You know what they say: It's the quiet ones who always go the craziest when you're fucking them behind your wife's back.
"In homage to the late, great Stanley Kubrick, and with apologies to Steven King, Jennifer Shiman has created a Flash animation called The Shining in 30 Seconds as Re-Told by Bunnies."
Make George say anything you want:
Sent to me by my good friends at The Garden Gnome. Couldn't resist sharing. I really need to start up my joke list again, I think!
Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."
Customer: "Hi, I'd like to order."
Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"
Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610."
Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Which number are you calling from, sir?"
Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"
Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."
Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas..."
Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."
Customer: "Whaddya mean?"
Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."
Customer: "Dang . What do you recommend, then?"
Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it."
Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"
Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."
Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then. What's the damage?"
Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, sir. The 'damage,' as you put it, heh, heh, comes to $49.99."
Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit."
Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here."
Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn."
Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?
Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward."
Customer: "How the heck do you know I'm riding a bike?"
Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up, so I just assumed that you'd be using it."
Customer: "@#%/$@&?#!"
Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop."
Customer: (Speechless)
Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"
Customer: "No, nothing. Oh, yeah, don't forget the two free liters of Coke your ad says I get with the pizzas."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics."
Bogus Dictionary Lands Tourists In Trouble!
"A practical joker has stirred up trouble by publishing a Japanese-to-English phrase book with incorrect definitions for every phrase."
Given that the source is one of those supermarket tabloids, I doubt it's true. If it were, though, that's one heck of a practical joke.
This is the funniest FAQ I've ever seen done by a real company. Sample FAQ (bear in mind this is a sound design company):
Does this rash look infected to you?
There are two signs of infection you should be aware of: the first is a dark red, blotchy skin appearance around the wound, which will be sensitive to the touch, and usually will seem to have a burning sensation. The second, is usually instantaneous death. If the second set of symptoms should occur, lie down and don't move or you'll start freaking people out. Also do not drive or call old girlfriends and ask if they're busy next weekend.
The entire site, in fact, is written rather humorously. Browse around, take a look.
One of these days I'll get around to putting up an FAQ here, but it won't be anywhere near as good as this, I don't think.
This is hilarious. People quietly dancing disco behind unsuspecting people's backs. Great way to break up the monotony of the office, IMHO.
"I've been writing columns for a long time now, two or three centuries at least. I've written on topics that touched a nerve among you readers -- the moronic-TV-commercials nerve, the loud-cell-phone-talkers nerve, and of course the low-flow-toilet nerve. I even touched -- and I regret this deeply -- the Barry Manilow nerve. But I've never touched a nerve like the one I touched when I wrote about telemarketers."
Amusing clip where a Jackie Chan lookalike battles a karate kicking dairy cow.
"Wish you could see life on Earth 500 or so years from now? Leveraging the powers of human greed and compound interest, this site comes up with a clever (if slightly tongue-in-cheek) plan for bribing your way into the miracles of time travel."
In an email I had totally butchered "inconvenient", which I do about half the time. Usually the correct spelling is at the top of the list, so I just click “change” and be done with it. In this particular case, though, "incontinent" was the top choice and I didn’t catch it.
Someone on the receiving end did, of course, and didn’t hesitate to let me know about it!
"ACME is a worldwide leader of many manufactured goods. From its humble beginnings providing corks and flypaper to bug collectors ("Buddy's Bug Hunt/1935") to its heyday in the American Southwest supplying a certain coyote, from Ultimatum Dispatchers to Batman outfits, ACME has set the standard for excellence.
"For the first time ever, information and pictures of all ACME products, specialty divisions, and services (from 1935 to 1964) are gathered here, in one convenient catalog. For more information about any ACME product, simply click on the thumbnail picture. Thanks to Warner Bros. studios and their fine animation department for advertising ACME products in their cartoons!!"
Look at the top portion of this picture and tell me if you don't agree!
Sent to me by a former Navy SEAL buddy of mine:
While a Marine was deployed to Afghanistan he received a letter from his
girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys
while he had been gone and she wanted to break up AND she wants her
picture of herself to be returned.
So the Marine does what any square-away Marine would do. He went around
to his buddies and collected all of the unwanted photos of women he
could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the
following note:
"I don't remember which one you are, please remove your picture and send
the rest back!"
(click the picture)
I do love unique 404 pages:
"There's nothing quintessentially more American than t-shirts, bumper stickers, and bad taste. Well that, and copyright infringement. The current exploitation of Calvin from "Calvin and Hobbes" is enough to kill the creator and make him roll over in his grave. Americans love thier cars, and Americans love to put ugly art on their cars, but nothing says "I'm an idiot with a pointless opinion" like a window sticker of Calvin peeing on something." - Great article on the evolution of the Calvin stickers, including photos. Be sure to check out the sticker generator.
This is a guy who leaves random feedback on eBay. On the one hand it’s very amusing; on the other, though, its rather concerning that someone is able to leave feedback to a seller with whom he never conducted business! I didn’t even know that was possible.
"Forget the newspaper. MSN's U.K. division has created something new to do while on the john--surf the Internet. MSN U.K. has taken roaming (and communal hygiene) to a new level with the "iLoo", an Internet-enabled toilet that the software giant hopes will debut at various concerts in the U.K. this summer." - Um, hello, aren't the portable john lines long enough at these things as it is? Let alone when somebody stops to check their email!
* - Several words came to mind to finish off the title for this article; however none of them passed my "should my daughter see this" test. Sorry!
Well, they say just about anything can be art.
The Turd Twister is a complete kit for shaping your turd into amazing designs, and it comes with a hilarious instruction manual. It's the Ultimate Gift for the person who has everything, including a "twisted" sense of humor!
This is rather amusing. I kept hitting the refresh button, as it loads a new set every time. Now we know how the military really names their operations!
Ftrain.com: "American Military Operation Name Generating Device"
A take off on one of my favorite commericals. Why is it one of my favorite? Because I love doing take offs on it as well.
Test Your Insanity!!
Nation's top vanity license plate: D-WIFED
Divorce isn't a funny thing, but firefighter Larry VanHooser turned it into a gag - at least when it came to his license plate.
